My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.