I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
You Might Also Like
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.