*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
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they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
What an awful time to have common sense.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Saw online –
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all