*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Ain’t no way
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it