One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
You Might Also Like
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Somewhere in an alternate universe
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom