Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
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Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Breaking news:
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.