Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
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I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle