Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.