Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
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“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.