You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
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3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I think about this a lot
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP