Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
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ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering