Bruh PLEASE
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine