My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
You Might Also Like
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.