6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
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wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
where do you see yourself in five years?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?