*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
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Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*