I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
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I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My sex drive has a dui
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?