My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
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I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!