This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
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I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is