Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
#FunnyLife Insects
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?