I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I love snow
– People who never shovel
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.