How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
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Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Breakfast for Stoners:
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I have a type: disappointing
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”