me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
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Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.