[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
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Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.