If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
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But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Rather alarming headline…
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
*weighs self after shaving
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?