is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
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Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.