Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
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[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I hate everything
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.