I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
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Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.