I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
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I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I’m going to need a moment here.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.