omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
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If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then