Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
You Might Also Like
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Bill is short for Billiam
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.