Fidel Castro was alive?
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
i made a craigslist ad !
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.