“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
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Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Coffee is ready.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?