You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
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Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
who did the taste test?
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience