my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
You Might Also Like
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
selfie game
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Very good news from my accountant