When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
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Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see