Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Jupiter
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.