Always a housemaid, never a house.
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do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John