gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive