So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
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Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822