I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.