EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
lmao
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.