“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Important
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]