we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
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Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Someone just threatened to call me later
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Best table by far
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.