I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
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If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog