Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
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911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
idk flipping houses looks really hard
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.