there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
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My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time