I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
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What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years