my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Home is where your toilet is.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
pictures of spider-man
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.