Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
When I said I liked it rough.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Happy Caturday!
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in