Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
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me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Home is where your toilet is.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life